In Eighteen Hundred Thirty-Eight, Jackson Reinvented Hate

Note To College Roy, Age 20:

Dude - of course Columbus was a brutal killer! Didn't they tell you he lived in the 1400s? Back then "willingness to kill brutally" was the 2nd-most sought-after job skill (behind only "eagerness to be be brutally killed"). And if you possessed neither skill, there was always the clergy - which of course was exceptionally brutal.
If we judged every person…

(Please Do Not) Carry Me Back To Old Virginia

I crap you not - this is a quote from the history textbook I was given to study in the 4th grade:

"There is recorded in history no greater act of
self-sacrifice than that of Virginia in withdrawing from
a Union she did not wish to leave, in order to help other
states defend what she had always maintained was her
right and theirs."

I…

Just Keeping Up With The Times

Full disclosure, regarding my actions and movements of the last week:


1) My legal name is now Malik Smallwood Min Alkuhul Al'Akthar Almajida (King Smallwood Of Booze Most Exalted).
2) I ate 3 tacos. 
3) I took a dump in the "women's" room of the Everett, Washington Transit Center - but only because there was a trans junkie shooting…

Turdstock (Or, I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me AND a Frontal Lobotomy)

Writing one's thoughts in sentence fragments punctuated only by modern phrase abbreviations is the mental equivalent of dropping a turd in an alley and wiping your ass with a chunk of polystyrene; you instantly lose all your dignity, then you walk around uniquely unaware of the wordstench you broadcast, or the gagging it evokes in the forebrains of your peers.

I…

Nostradamus Can Suck It

I don't mean to be an alarmist, but everything is going to be just fine. 
Some of my friends (as always) seem convinced that we live in the the most dire of ages. We do not.

I really hate to burst whatever short-sighted bubble you're working on inflating, but we got it pretty fuckin' good these days. Also, there is no scenario within the realm of science that can stop the march of intelligent…

This Whimper Will Be Bangin': The End Of Quizzy at Billy Ray's.

As of tonight, 3/17/16, there are exactly 3 Quizzies left to be performed and played at Billy Ray's Neighborhood Dive. Thus, in accordance with both the Laws Of Hype (originally “Hammurabi's Code), and my historic propensity to throw together a bullshit promotion far, far too late (originally…

Clinton, Pilloried

That little horoscope book in the grocery store checkout line is a bit like Hillary Clinton; it's overpriced, it never tells you anything that couldn't mean something else, and even if you make an attempt to believe in it, you look around first to make sure nobody's watching.

Hillary Clinton is a petrified toadstool, sprouted from a mycellium of billionaires, in the pasture where Ayn Rand…

Welcome To The Bunghole: 75 Things I'd Rather Do Than Listen To Guns N' Roses, and 9 Reasons Why

The following is a list of horrors that I would prefer to endure, and awful bands I would rather listen to (presuming a gun was placed to my head), than having to ever hear a single note of the song "Sweet Child O' Mine," ever again. It is commingled, in no particular order, with some specific reasons for my particular loathing of this particular rock group. It was a goddamn hoot to write, and I…

And The Award For "Most Flexible Thing Ever Stuck In My Ass While I was Asleep" Goes To...

"...but why would anyone want to jam a camera up my butt,"? I asked my physician, when she defined "colonoscopy".
"I already know what's up there, and it's mostly unpleasant."

Then I realized I'd never actually seen my poo in its natural environment of total darkness.
Organisms that live in the total darkness of caves are called “troglobites". That sounds so much cooler than…

If Someone Doesn't Tell Me How To "Kick It", I Swear I'm Gonna Peace Out

'Sup widdit, yo?
That's how the youth talk, I reckon. Swear ta god, I've heard 'em say it. Or they'll say they are going to "peace out" (yes, as a verb and not just a salutation) when they are about to leave. They will even use this in the past tense ("Oh, they peaced out, bro") and (this is the one you'll wanna be sitting down for) the present progressive ("man, you better go get him; he's…

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