Welcome To The Bunghole: 75 Things I'd Rather Do Than Listen To Guns N' Roses, and 9 Reasons Why


The following is a list of horrors that I would prefer to endure, and awful bands I would rather listen to (presuming a gun was placed to my head), than having to ever hear a single note of the song "Sweet Child O' Mine," ever again. It is commingled, in no particular order, with some specific reasons for my particular loathing of this particular rock group. It was a goddamn hoot to write, and I kept marveling at what a total prick I am, so I kept going, and it is quite long.

 

1. Being stabbed in the ear with a drafting pencil

2. Toto

3. The way that idiot holds the microphone between the palms of his hands

4. The Doobie Broothers

5. Being catheterized with a piece of rebar

6. Spending every Christmas for the rest of my life stuck in an elevator with Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Antonin Scalia.

7. The name "Slash" (also the person)

8. The German tourists on Ometepe in Lake Nicaragua, in 1994, with thousands of dollars of hiking and photography equipment, who the locals loathed, and who had apparently never listened to any other record besides “Appetite For Destruction” in their lives.

9. The awful, awful album title “Appetite For Destruction”

10. The combination of the "N'" between the Roses and Guns, and the "O'" between the Child and Mine.

11. Culture Club

12. Coldplay

13. Modest Mouse

14. Being served a sandwich on whole wheat or "multi-grain" bread.

15. That idiot's extension of the word "Child" into 15 syllables at the end of the song.

16. Gargling acetone while squatting naked onto an upturned railroad spike.

17. Performing oral sex on Marisa Tomei, only to discover it's actually Donald Rumsfeld.

18. Tears For Fears

19. Entering a Subway restaurant

20. Dating a vegan

21. Being forced to cast a vote for a fucking Clinton, just to keep a fascist out of office.

22. Watching another fucking superhero movie, in an IMAX 3D theater, without the 3D glasses, while the usher shoots a constant series of Roman candles down my pants

23. Usher

24. They Might Be Giants

25. Being served Mexican food with another flavorless flour tortilla (or paper) when I expected delicious corn

26. Doing a 69 with Elizabeth Shue, only to discover it's Antonin Scalia.

27. "Beach Week", Ocean City, Maryland, 1988, when all I wanted to hear was Slayer.

30. Having my asshole sewn shut while Method Man keeps feeding me, and feeding me...

31. U2 of the last 27 years

32. REM of the last 27 years

33. Sublime

34. Every band that recorded any ska while being white, or not living in Jamaica in the mid 1960's

35. The Dave Matthews Band

36. Jefferson Starship

37. Starship

38. Metallica of the last 27 years

39. Performing oral sex on Zoey Deschanel, only to discover it's a West Highland Terrier

40. Phish

41. Every band that sounds remotely like Phish.

42. That idiot's bandana, and his manner of dance, and that other idiot's hat-and-cigarette shtick

43. Being trapped for a night in a walk-in refrigerator with a party of drunk people who play the song "Sweet Child O' Mine" on jukeboxes, and having to fight them for food and clothing.

44. Being trapped for an entire winter in the Sierra Nevadas with a party of drunk people who play the song "Sweet Child O' Mine" on jukeboxes, and having to keep them from eating me.

45. Rush

46. The fact that “Axl” lacks an e.

47. The fact that they were a totally teased-and-cheesed “hair band”, but then developed their entire look overnight on the advice of some shrewd marketer.

48. Bruno Mars

49. Having my dying image be that of Dick Cheney pointing down and laughing at me in victory as I'm dragged by my dick to a drowning death in a putrid swamp by an alligator snapping turtle.

50. Lenny Kravitz

51. “Will I Am”, and being reminded of the name “Will I Am” (this fits 2 categories)

52. Lee Greenwood

53. Elton John

54. Having the perfect steak sandwich served to me on a Vilotti-Pisanelli roll in South Philadelphia, steaming in the freezing cold and perfect ambiance of a short steel standing counter on a dirty sidewalk next to a big tray of hot cherry peppers, and realizing as I bring it to my mouth, over and over again, that some idiot frat boy has drowned it in fucking Cheez Whiz.

55. Living in a world where Amoroso finally overtakes all the great old Italian roll bakeries of Philadelphia with their garbage, and the sandwiches all suck

56. A limited exchange of intercontinental ballistic missiles, and an unseasonably-mild nuclear winter

57. Watching a double feature of the movies “Requiem For A Dream” and “Natural Born Killers” with my balls immersed in a cocktail of Tabasco and drain cleaner, while my pubic hair is plucked out one strand at a time

58. Watching Family Guy

59. Billy Ocean

60. Pearl Jam

61. Stone Temple Pilots

62. “Chinese Democracy” (which for all I know could be a masterpiece, but I'd never know because I'll never listen to the godawful piece of shit).

70. Pet Shop Boys

71. Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark

72. Depeche Mode

73. Whatever that music is that people who go to Burning Man listen to

74. AC/DC with Brian Johnson

75. Seeing one more clearcut in a national forest

76. Hearing the exciting news that a sports arena is has caught fire during a Donald Trump rally, then later learning that all 20,000 bigots somehow survived.

77. Russell Crowe

78. Coating my dick in bacon grease and jacking off into a wolverine burrow

79. Meatloaf

80. Nickelback

81. Silverchair

82. Pretty much any band with a compound word as their name

83. Living under a totalitarian regime that demands that eggs be scrambled, and punishes those who only like runny yolks by surgically attaching their urethras to their large intestines so they have to shit out of their pee-holes and their jizz leaks from their butts.

84. The Doors

 

And now, List # 2:

 Things That I Would Not Listen To With A Gun To My Head, Even If Guns N' Roses Was My Only Other Choice:

 1. Dubstep

 


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