Since 2004, Portland's Only Bar Trivia That Matters.
That little horoscope book in the grocery store checkout line is a bit like Hillary Clinton; it's overpriced, it never tells you anything that couldn't mean something else, and even if you make an attempt to believe in it, you look around first to make sure nobody's watching.
Hillary Clinton is a petrified toadstool, sprouted from a mycellium of billionaires, in the pasture where Ayn Rand once forced Alan Greenspan to shit.
Hillary Clinton is as relevant to the formation of a liberal movement as a sulfur atom is to the formation of a water molecule.
The worker bees of the trading room hive might cram her coffer-comb with their royal jelly, but her actual coronation will be the work of drones.
There is an animatronic prospector in a jug band, in the boarded ruins of an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in Flint Michigan, covered in dust and badly in need of dental work, who has a greater vision for the future of our country, and a more convincing range of facial emotions, than Hillary Rodham Goddamn Clinton.
But somehow, millions of working, struggling people support putting her back in the White House.
Bill Clinton is a man who leaned on his power in the world, and (far worse) his power as a boss, and his big hardwood desk, and manipulated a woman 27 years his junior to put his cock in her mouth. But somehow millions of feminists want to put him back in the White House.
Bill Clinton signed the veto-proof “Defense Of Marriage Act” in 1996 (which Bernie opposed*). And even more baffling than that career move was “Don't Ask Don't Tell” - a politically-unnecessary placation of the Right, at a time when he could've easily done otherwise.
Instead of demolishing the closet, he decided to institutionalize it – and to give it a name that in retrospect sounds eerily similar to “separate but equal”.
But, so far, a sizeable majority of the LGBT community want to put the Clintons back in the White House, instead of Senator Bernie Sanders.
Lastly (and most baffling of all, by far):
Bill Clinton eagerly signed the “Personal Responsibility And Work Opportunity Act” that “reformed” welfare into a nightmare for America's poorest communities, while offering absolutely none of the business opportunities its horrifying name suggests.
And now, Billary opposes ALL of the following things that Bernie demands:
1) A minimum wage of $15 an hour that could finally allow those in our most desperate communities to actually get by in life and reclaim some dignity
2) The inalienable right to free health care that almost every other functional government in the world recognizes
3) The permanent end to the disgusting practice we ironically call “health insurance”: the skimming of money from people's medical necessities for nothing more than enrichment.
4) Making a country where college education is a meritocracy instead of an aristocracy, and nobody's hunger for learning is ever hindered by their financial means in any way.
No Presidential candidate in history has ever put forward ideas during a campaign with anywhere near the potential to so greatly improve African American communities as has Bernie Sanders
But somehow, black America is on the verge of being the deciding (and decisive) factor in keeping things exactly how they are. That is what she will do, because that is what rich people do. Always.
Man, I wish Jesse would speak up for the old fella.
Anyway, the next time they ask Billary about any one of Bernie's righteuous causes, listen closely. Then read your horoscope. If neither one makes any more sense than the other, or gives you any hope, just flip a coin.
Heads, you vote for Bernie. Tails, you vote for Bernie.