Hakuna Retarta (Or, Keep Your Laws Off My Pussy)

If you ever doubted just how completely insane the folks at PETA are, check out the link below. It's about how I need to keep my cat Mo inside. It was apparently written by a 10-year old - which is apparently the maximum age that a thinking person can grow to and still believe in a world that was born from Bambi's mother.

You…

A (Mildly) Frustrating Mess

For the last 2 days, I've not been able to write a word, or think or feel just about anything. It sucks ass. I think I slept for at least 24 of the last 40 hours, and every time I awoke I felt like a complete dullard. No inspired thought seemed…

I Find The Term "Hashfag" Offensive

Somebody just told me that my Facebook posts Tom Brady will reach tons more people Parks and Rec if I embed my shit with tons of stuff that's really popular now Portland Timbers, because it somehow prioritizes it. I wish I'd known that, because Genocide nobody came to Quizzy Assault Weapons last Thursday at all, and it made me sad Premature Ejaculation.

So, God willing, this was but a fluke…

River Liver (One Who Lives At The River, Or A Resulting Condition)

One more day. T minus 110 minutes until river submersion. Certainly this has to be summer's last little fledgling surge. It was 81 yesterday and I didn't go to the river because it ended…

The Best Olive Oil Is Called "Butter", And Winter Doesn't Exist

I'm gonna do another Quizzy at my house on Friday, with a big fire and Irene's (my dead mom's) beef vegetable soup, served with a piece of baguette with cold butter on it. You dip the bread into the soup and eat it as the butter melts all over that motherfucker, and then you wanna scream. It takes 2 days to cook. I'm even gonna do a meatless version that I'll try to make reasonably hearty, whilst…

Portland Proper, Provincial

Dear Buttholes:
(Sorry, but that's the most endearing term I could think of that I can be certain won't come off as maudlin.) I love you thiiis much (holding my arms out so my hands are about 18 inches apart), and I want you to come to Quizzy. It stars me. I am an important person to whom you should pay lots of attention. 

I'm not shitting you, I…


They Can Have My Bottle Rockets When They Pry Them...

Once again this year, the City Of Portland turned a blind eye to the massive amounts of illegal fireworks displays that go on in our city. I thank them for this, and I hope it never changes.

I couldn't think of anywhere to go at dusk on our 229th birthday, so I came home and floated in my pool - accepting that I would see no pyrotechnics. Then I heard that sweet "whoof!" that announces the…

Knowing Which Side You're On (Nutwise, That Is)

No man alive will believe this, and it is really of no concern to anyone. Yet for some reason I must tell you.
I have apparently switched sides. I wasn't sure for a long time, but my left-handedness is apparently now matched by my left-hangingness. For my whole life, my little guy went to the right - and I've been alive for a good spell now. But he seems to have been turning gradually leftward…

If Idiots Knew They Were Idiots, Would They Stop Proving Themselves To Be Idiots?

This I wrote after one of my most traumatic experiences ever with hecklers. I hope it serves as something of a public service announcement that, if you ever think it is appropriate to shout anything¬†at a comedian or other performer when not solicited, you are wrong. Hecklers are several notches below rapists and white supremicists on the evil scale, but in the non-criminal…

A Blog About Suicide In Which I Do Not Mention My Dick

I didn't go to the river today, which is weird. Instead I'm sitting in my room with the AC cranked, trying to write. I lied to my friend Jeff Robinson last night for the first time since 1998, when I said I was absolutely sure I didn't wanna fuck him. (Ultimately I actually didn't, but at the time I was really only about 95% on the issue.) Last night I told him I was gonna go to the river right…

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