Has Anyone Said "Eat Ebola Dicks" Yet? Dibs!

You know, like some people will say "eat a bowl of dicks?" Get It?

Remember that one time when the President's socialist cronies at the CDC tried to kill us all, but FOX News saved America? That was awesome. Sean Hannity thinks Ebola started when those dirty fags started banging illegal immigrants.

But seriously, I gotta fly to my sister's place near Cleveland…

Bark Less, Purr More

In my world, one of the most damning indictments of a person's character is the hatred of cats. Basically, the second someone expresses this type of disgust, I'm done with them forever. I am completely serious. I used to argue with them, but now I just walk away and vent to a friend until I can calm down, and then quietly tolerate them for as long as is necessary. It's seriously even way worse than…

I am SO done with "it'd".

My new favorite contraction is "shit'll". As in, "Don't worry, buddy; shit'll get better." Or "If you eat food and then wait a while, shit'll come out of your butthole."
I recommend trying to work it into as many conversations as possible.

That shit'll rule.

Life Would (Presumably) Be Easier If I Just Had a Pussy

There is just SO much I want to tell the world about my underwear. The boxer-brief-bikini saga continues, and I have no idea where it will end. Today it isn't so hot out, so I put on boxer briefs, and they are making a solid case so far that I should come back to them. But those little funny-looking ball-sling style underwear (which I don't know what to call, and which I bought accidentally, setting…

When Thy PD Blew

A while back, some relatively smart police officers who held associate degrees in some fairly legitimate sciences were given a very important assignment. At that time, the flashing lights on police cruisers were of the same red hue as those on ambulances - and the Commissioner was having none of it. Disgusted by the thought that an injured person might see these lights and assume his rescuers were…

Why Seattle Blows (or, Don't Do it With a Girl If You'd Already Done It With Another Girl Before That Girl Was Born)

There is absolutely no possibility that any place on earth has more bars per capita than Portland. It's astonishing. There have to be at least 30,000 bars, and like 70 new ones open every day. Very soon, every Portlander will have their own bar. Also if you go to Seattle, or any other city in the entire country (except maybe New Orleans) and order a shot, you will definitely start crying. Sometimes…

How Much To Exhume My Parents From The 'Burbs And Move Them To Philly Proper?

I wanna tell y'all about my Mom and Dad, and how they died, and how I barely survived it. I get to use “y'all” as much as I want, by the way, because I cannot remember a time when I didn't say it. Mom was from Philly, so she never uttered it. But Dad was from north Florida, and I grew up in southwestern Virginia, so me and my sister always have. She even still says “fixin' to” like 30 times a day…

Rudderless Gastronomy

Who am I to judge the most exalted chefs in my city? Honestly, I wouldn't even attempt such a thing. I ain't spent a lifetime in a kitchen, and I ain't got no business offering up opinions about them who have. I'm just a lowly quizmaster.

So if I go to, say, Tasty And Sons, and get served a total disaster on a plate called a "fried green tomato BLT", I oughta recognize that the dish wasn't…

A "60-Minute Bull-Ride" Means No Commercials For A Spell

There is a strange and beautiful place inside me (lodged somewhere between my brain's frontal lobe and my soul's anus) where sincerity and sarcasm mingle comfortably, and self-evident truths are somehow not at odds with total bullshit. If I actually made any practical decisions with this part of my mind, I suppose I would be a sociopath. But when it comes to aesthetics and art, it's a non-stop party.…

Erin Go "BRO!!"

St. Patrick's Day in the USA is the lamest excuse for a holiday in all of human history. No, wait - it's Cinco de Mayo. In fact, if you are an American celebrating any holiday that's been borrowed from some other place or culture by getting drunk in clubs on a Tuesday, you need to seriously consider inventing your own traditions. Like, maybe putting a shotgun in your…

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