Cryptids And Vipers And Facts - Oh MY!


I remember once walking on a trail in the woods of the Blue Ridge with my family when I was maybe 5 years old, and this big-ass rattlesnake crossing in front of us. Nobody freaked out, and it just went on its way, and we continued on the path, and everyone was blown away by how cool it was. I inherited a love of snakes from my mother when she caught a beautiful black rat snake out of a tree and let me hold it, also when I was 5.

I thought that network Animal Planet was supposed to be actually in support of animals. Turns out they've been taken over by crazy assholes. They have this show called Rattlesnake Republic where these creepy old idiot dudes (who you just KNOW are really racist) go around killing rattlesnakes to sell for belts and wallets and shit. The network's website defends it by saying it's "the only way of life they know" and "it's what puts food on the table," but if you watch it for like 30 seconds you start praying for a rattlesnake to bite one of the guys on his face or dick.

The show is so disgusting because all it does is try to boost Americans' already-insane fear of wildlife and nature. It does so enthusiastically, and really meanly. Plenty of re-enactments, with the sinister serpents waiting around every corner to murder you.
Good thing the rattlesnake task force is on the job. It's gotten to where a guy can't even make a living in this goddamn country anymore without wolves and gays and Mexicans and snakes and socialists trying to bite him on the face or dick.

I don't typically put much stock in phrenology, but one of the dude's eyes are so close together he has to be a bigot. And likely at least part possum. Maybe a rattlesnake ate his grandpappy, and that's why he hates them so much he wears a hat made out of them. I'd like to see someone make a penny loafer out of his skin, but nobody ever would because it's so repulsively pink. Maybe a handbag.
"I looove the liver spots on your purse," would come the compliment.
Total dicks.

Oh, but Animal Planet doesn't just make shows about evil animals, it also has programming about fake ones. Finding Bigfoot uses such hokey, hackneyed tricks, watching just one segment of the show (about 3.5 minutes between the 5-minute commercial breaks) is enough to make you CERTAIN there is absolutely, once-and-for-all, no way in hell that people will actually stoop low enough to watch it. Fair enough, you think - they had to find the line, and they finally found it, and now they know we won't go down there, so the show will be cancelled shortly. And then you find out the SEASON 4 premiere is just around the corner!

I need to get something out of the way:

Anyone who thinks aliens are abducting people, or the missing link is sauntering about the forest, or the ghost of a Civil War soldier once passed their bedroom door at night, or that 9/11 was a "black op", or that we didn't land on the moon, is a totally insane idiot. Actually, I think it's just kinda like "schizophrenia light". Probably genetic, and mild, but nonetheless pathological. Kinda like Asperger Syndrome is to full-blown autism.

Anyway, I think real animals are super cool. Some of them are too delicious to resist, but killing them is mostly for dicks. And if you ever think a snake or a bear is gonna kill you in the woods, remember that the likelihood of that happening is statistically only slightly higher than that of a Sasquatch stepping on your dick.


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