Occluded Fronts and Deluded C....


Weather forecasters take way too much shit. Everyone is always spouting some cliche or other about how the weatherman is always wrong, and it's complete crap. I've followed weather forecasts religiously, daily, for my entire cognisant life - and I can assure you that the NWS is very accurate the vast majority of the time. But somehow, through an incredible collective feat of selective memory, people only retain missteps in prognostication - like that time they planned for a great day at the beach and it turned out rainy, or when they were promised a blizzard to get them out of work or school, but it never came.

All summer long they get it right at least 90% of the time, and nobody notices. Where I grew up they'd be all "highs in the upper 80s to low 90s, chance of thunderstorms" - and then it would be 88 or 92, and it would either thunderstorm or it wouldn't. What more do people want from these guys? Don't they realize how insanely complex atmospheric conditions are?

There's this dude Colin Cowherd, who's like a Limbaugh-style neofascist in a thin sports-commentator veil. He's on ESPN radio, but he used to be a local TV sports guy here in Portland. He just can't shut his disgusting hole about what jerks meteorologists are, and he thinks the more money you have the more god-like you are. Kinda like a Scientologist, but not gay like Tom Cruise. I'm not allowed to stalk and kill him for some reason, which is totally fucked up. Colin Cowherd is a thousand times too stupid to get a meteorology degree from Ball State, but he got moved up to the prime mid-morning spot on our local ESPN AM station. Meanwhile the great Dan Patrick, gentleman-scholar-liberal (I assume), commentating his very-literate ass off since the 1970s, gets stuck back in the 6-to-9 AM spot, where the only way anyone could ever hear him is they stayed up all night tripping on acid. He should've vented more about imagined threats like immigrants and that black guy on NBC who had his stomach stapled.

By the way, this business of naming winter storms is complete bullshit. I urge you all to join me in boycotting the practice. "Winter Storm Draco" is barrelling down on the midwest, substituting completely-average, non-threatening snow accumulations for the fiery breath of its namesake. This sort of sensationalism with every storm serves only as a sustained wolf-cry, so nobody pays attention when something truly dangerous comes. These storm names will never cross my lips.

Anyway, get off the weather guy's back if you can't even explain the difference between sleet and hail. Also if you're gay you should quit Scientology cuz it's stupid.


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