Erin Go "BRO!!"

St. Patrick's Day in the USA is the lamest excuse for a holiday in all of human history. No, wait - it's Cinco de Mayo. In fact, if you are an American celebrating any holiday that's been borrowed from some other place or culture by getting drunk in clubs on a Tuesday, you need to seriously consider inventing your own traditions. Like, maybe putting a shotgun in your mouth? There's no "second annual" with that one, but at least I won't ever have to see you stumble into my bar and ruin the good times of me and all my professional-drinker friends.

There is one universal truth about the people who fall for these bullshit marketing ploys disguised as culture:

Not a one of them has any idea what they are celebrating. Apart from plastic beads, green food coloring, or sombreros, that is. Every fool in downtown Portland on the 5th of May is just sure as shit they're celebrating Mexican independence, when in fact Cinco de Mayo commemorates the day Jagermeister abducted them all and planted chips in their brains that make them speak unintelligibly and get in fights.

And you know what's coming next? Chinese New Year! Once again, those slimy capitalists are making booze ads commanding the mouth-breathing hordes in the manner of their revelry, for yet another thing they have no business "celebrating". This year the Budweiser folks - in a move clearly motivated by a deep desire to promote cultural understanding - unleashed their "Celebrate Chinese New Year All Over the World" ad campaign, and roped off Times Square (a place that once a year makes every thinking person consider the possible benefits of internment camps for the stupid).

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall in one of those awful suburban apartment complexes (the nesting spots of the bridge-and-tunnel set) when that ad campaign first aired.

"Dude! We should do that HERE!"

"Yeah, bro - year of the fuckin' SNAKE, man. Fuckin' New York ain't got SHIT on Portland!" (high fives all around)

"Uh, but dudes - we don't live in Portland. We live in Tigard."

(long, awkward pause)

"Bros, I fuckin' GOT it, yo!! We'll drive INTO Portland and get shit-hammered, and then drive back out here at 3AM, after we beat someone's ass!"

(ecstatic cheers, more hand slaps of various types, one guy actually says "YOLO")

"Dudes, we are gonna get so much PUSSY! Let's do some fuckin' Jagerbombs, bro."

"Alright, but then we gotta make a Budweiser run."

"Yeah, for some reason I want Budweiser, too. What's up with that?"

Just a heads-up: be aware of the next Chinese New Year, so you don't cross the river into downtown without packing a flamethrower.

Anyway, if you wanna know whether or not you should celebrate something, just look around you for Red Bull ads. And if it's Mardi Gras (and you're not on the central Gulf Coast), either go to a bar and drink with the relatively-quiet honor befitting a Tuesday, or shut the fuck up and go home.

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