Why Seattle Blows (or, Don't Do it With a Girl If You'd Already Done It With Another Girl Before That Girl Was Born)


There is absolutely no possibility that any place on earth has more bars per capita than Portland. It's astonishing. There have to be at least 30,000 bars, and like 70 new ones open every day. Very soon, every Portlander will have their own bar. Also if you go to Seattle, or any other city in the entire country (except maybe New Orleans) and order a shot, you will definitely start crying. Sometimes they actually use those little shot glasses.

The stiffest drinks in any city I've ever been to are in Portland, by far. You'd go out of business very quickly if you used a shot glass here, because people would scoff at you and never come back. A proper Portland shot would fill 3 of those things (and I don't even mean those scam-thimbles that have a tiny cone of booze inside a giant block of glass, either). I ordered my standard vodka soda (SEVEN dollars!) at 2 bars in Seattle, and had a bloody mary (NINE dollars!) with brunch , and there wasn't enough liquor in the 3 combined to intoxicate a house cat. Here I get what is basically just a glass of vodka with a splash of soda for $3.50 to $4.00, all over the place. $4.50 earns you a bit of a gasp.

Oh, also - there's almost nowhere here you can't buy a pint for 2 bucks. They're like $17.50 in Seattle. I went to Seattle to see this girl and it sucks. No, I'm not referring to her as an "it". Rents are double what they are here. Although I will say their rock legacy absolutely obliterates ours. No contest. But you'd have to be a millionaire to live there and drink like I do.

A 21st birthday party came into Clinton St Pub while I was doing Quizzy last night, and they were super dumb and loud. If I was King of Oregon, I would pass strict laws banning the usage of the words "red" and "bull" in direct succession. If you have ordered a "Jagerbomb" even once in your life (or any drink, for that matter, the name of which consists of anything other than 3 words - with the middle word being "and"), you should be in a prison camp for the stupid.

One time I had sex with a 20-yr old girl when I was 38, and I woke up and felt like a piece of shit, and she was hella dumb, and I had to eat breakfast with her, and the "corned beef hash" was nothing but potatoes, and the coffee made me have to poop. Then I was filled with guilt because I left her sitting at our table for like 20 minutes while I was on the crapper, fighting the urge to climb out of the bathroom window and sprint to the nearest confessional. But then I remembered God isn't real, and that she was probably too dumb to even remember I'd come to breakfast with her.

I have this weird proclivity in which I'm really into beautiful girls who are extremely smart and laugh at all my jokes. Lunar eclipses are so boring, and they happen like every 45 minutes. Big fucking deal. Plus I stared right at the one last night without wearing a welding mask and I can still see, so I'm like a superhero of sorts.

If I was forced to live in either Boston or Mogadishu, I would actually have to think about it for a few seconds. Everyone from Boston thinks they're the coolest ever, and they can never shut up about the pride of it all (which is usually tied into their bullshit Irish heritage), but their city is like an enormous frat house and the bread is awful.

Philly food is to Boston food as receiving oral sex is to getting stabbed in the neck with a #2 pencil. Also, Philly is no more racist than Boston (actually they're tied at the official rating of "unimaginably" racist, which is just above Apartheid).

The first time I arrived in Boston I saw a guy unloading fresh-baked rolls into the back of a restaurant at like 6am, and I talked him out of one, and it was exactly like eating an enormous polystyrene packing peanut. The Philadelphia Italian roll is the most perfect thing anyone ever made a sandwich with in the entire world. Portland may suck, but it rules much more than it sucks. Plus I have socialized medicine, which everyone on the planet should have. Profiting from an injured person is the moral equivalent of raping a dog with a baby. And fuck potatoes anyway. Why not just eat paper?

The fact that grits exist and anyone on earth would ever make "home fries" is as baffling to me as the fact that anyone could be so stupid as to believe in God. Anyway, when you go to Seattle be careful not to live there or you'll go broke and sober. Also if you were born in the US and you ever say one word about your Irish heritage, you should be lobotomised.


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