When Thy PD Blew


A while back, some relatively smart police officers who held associate degrees in some fairly legitimate sciences were given a very important assignment. At that time, the flashing lights on police cruisers were of the same red hue as those on ambulances - and the Commissioner was having none of it. Disgusted by the thought that an injured person might see these lights and assume his rescuers were unarmed, he commanded the best and brightest in the force to come up with a new, more threatening color. Thus was formed an unlikely band of science dudes.

For like a couple weeks, whenever it was sunny, they would meet for lunch on the roof of their precinct - bringing nothing but a prism, a few binders full of carpet samples, several cans of Vienna sausages, and some weeping rich kid they'd pulled from the jail. And eventually (in a baffling feat of science, conducted utterly unscientifically), they somehow managed to isolate the exact shade of blue that most closely matches the color of pure fear in the minds of Americans.

"But you're reversing cause and effect, Roy," you might say. "Your previous interactions with the pigs have just been really terrible. So much so, in fact, that you now think there's a cop behind you every time some dick driving a car with those awful blue headlights mimics a police cruiser by going over a speed-bump in your rearview, causing you to spontaneously shit and vomit." Of course you'd be right, but I would scoff at your skepticism nonetheless.

Because it's a well-known fact that, once these punk-ass science cops got done distending their grotesque abdomens with bear claws and apologized to the rich boy's family, and gotten a warrant for his "bad influence" friend who washed dishes at their country club, they soon met with executives from Ford, GM, and Chrysler. Then they somehow discovered that, by simply putting 3 mirrors on every vehicle, they could triangulate and intensify their precious "Terreur Bleu" - delivering it straight to the eyes and hearts of each and every driver, in a new and exciting form of total panic. It's like they're all around you!

Man, am I glad I don't smoke meth.


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