Portland Proper, Provincial


Dear Buttholes:
(Sorry, but that's the most endearing term I could think of that I can be certain won't come off as maudlin.) I love you thiiis much (holding my arms out so my hands are about 18 inches apart), and I want you to come to Quizzy. It stars me. I am an important person to whom you should pay lots of attention. 

I'm not shitting you, I need you to come play my game tonight at Rae's Lakeview Lounge. I do a really good job at it, and their food is killer, and they have pints of beer that cost one dollar.

If you go to Seattle, or any other city in the developed world, you cannot buy any amount of beer for less than seventeen dollars. I know because I went to Seattle once and almost killed myself. They do have a monorail there, the trains of which are the pinnacle of design in human history, but like all monorails it goes nowhere. There was a girl there who used to let me have sex with her, but then she stopped letting me have sex with her so I hate it. If you think that seems like an arbitrary reason to hate an entire city, you obviously never had sex with her.

It's not as bad as San Francisco, though. San Francisco is about 9 billion times more beautiful than any other city in America, but you cannot rent a closet there unless you make at least 4 million dollars a year. It's so fucked up. When I meet musicians in bands touring from SF they usually seem just like my friends here, but I wanna tell them to just give me at least a few hundred bucks, because you know they have that amongst their pocket lint. It costs 45 bucks just to look at San Francisco when you're landing at Oakland airport. The window shades on the plane go into lockdown on descent, and you have to swipe your card to get a gaze.

They don't have rivers in SF, either. We have one here that's of notable size called the Columbia, and that's where I'm gonna go, and what I'm gonna swim in, after I get done typing this and take my coffee poop. If the Columbia river ran through Seattle, it would be 12 degrees fahrenheit, and everyone would be all "oh my God, how is that fucking thing not solid!?" Here in Portland, said river is still 67 degrees, which ain't all that bad I reckon. Owning a water thermometer rules. They only cost like 15 bucks (plus 65% sales tax in the state of Washington).

In summary, don't leave Oregon without going to the third world or they'll take all your money and not let you swim or get drunk. Also, if you don't already live here, forget everything you've read. It totally blows, I swear.


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