Dribbling Down The Hardwood

 ESPN is really pissing me off. It's clearly the best channel in history, and I watch it perhaps a little too much, and now they put this woman Lindsay Czarniak on Sportscenter. Every sentence she speaks makes me think I'll kill myself if I can't make sweet love to her, but I know I don't have a shot cuz she's married (probably to some dick) and more famous than me. It's not fair, because I'm mostly…

Quick: How Many Dicks Am I Holding Up?

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. Just like 26 days a month, but it's still enough to be an issue. Right now I'm on the 36th floor of The Westin Hotel in Seattle with an old college friend. He's asleep. All buildings should be round. The sheets of my bed have a thread count of about 8 billion, and the view over the water is insane. I feel like I'm floating on a cloud of titties. 20 minutes ago,…

My Love Is Agape - In More Ways Than One*!

Here are some actual lyrics to an actual song I actually just heard on Christian rock radio in my car: "Do you wanna know how far my love goes? How wide, how deep?"

No, seriously. You gotta be pretty pure to write, perform, and produce something like that without anyone going "Hey, wait a sec..."

I bet everyone involved except the singer thought about it, but they didn't…

Salt 'n Pepper

Salt grinders are so stupid. They exist only to make people feel fancy, and do nothing at all to food except make you have to use both hands while cooking or eating it. I love salt, but people have gotten way to snooty about it. For the most part, it's fucking sodium chloride. I'd like to go to one of those yuppie-ass salt stores, blindfold the pretentious fucks, and watch them have absolutely no…

A Tail That's Too Shitty (or, How To Not Ruin Lobster)

This came about as my response to an article I found online somehow. It can be found at  http://deadspin.com/how-to-cook-lobster-tails-a-guide-for-people-who-dont-5979160

There could be nothing more rage-inducing to a full-blown seafood freak like myself than a mere seafood tolerator spouting on at such pedantic length about how to help a sea creature taste less like its already-perfect…

Mexican Immigrants Forced To Sell Naming Rights, Will Now Be Called "Pepsicans"

People of Portland (and, I assume, every other city):  Beware of "Josefina" tortilla chips (or equivalent brands elsewhere). Do not  buy them. They are taking over in almost every spot where the glorious, beloved, local brand Juanita's is/was sold. They look cool, and the bag says they come from just across the river (Columbia, not Rio Grande). But then you open them, and…

Logic (All Red-Hot And Circular-Like)

I'm pleased to say that Quizzy is once again humming along quite nicely. Frankly, I credit myself for being so goddamn entertaining. But as much as I'd like to think it's all due to my greatness, even I can feign humility - especially when it comes to you - the Quizzy player and fan.

In American football they call the fans the "12th Man" (which Seattle has now cleverly claimed as their own).…

When In Doubt, Blame Conservatism (And You'll Likely Be Right)

Wow. I am clearly not the first (or 1,000th) to be cheated by this CheapoAir. The only odd thing is that I was actually surprised, or thought that anyone might have the power to stop it.
I just read the first 50 complaints out of hundreds against this shady-ass website, and there were a lot of similarities to my own, going back a long time. And many of them were much, much worse. At least I…


Beware, Beware, Of CheapoAir! (please share)

I just got scammed, and now I am screwed. And I'm not the only one.
If you search for a flight on

Whiz Means Piss

This began as a reply to my dear old friend's inquiry about a place here in Portland called Steakadelphia, but it turned out I had a lot I needed to say about the Philadelphia Steak Sandwich (which as a matter of totally-objective, hard scientific fact, is tied with the Philadelpia Roast Pork for the greatest sandwich ever created, by at least 800 billion times). Some of it I've said before in another…

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